Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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