seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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