Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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