found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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