His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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