birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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