she was so not down for the gang bang
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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