A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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