If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
