I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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