the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
