I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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