One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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