Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
