A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
