Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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