I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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