You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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