im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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