Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
