sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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