I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
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I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
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I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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