Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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