i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
