The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
