so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
