I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I touched a dick in church today
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
