I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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