Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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