wakey wakey hands off snakey
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize