Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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