You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
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Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
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the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize