jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
