just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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