I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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