girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
