I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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