So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We have so much sex to catch up on
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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