If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
