i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
