I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
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hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
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I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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