i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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