I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize