I wish life had little blips of pornography
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize