You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We have started to decorate penises.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
