just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
bring money and cleavage
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
