Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
