Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
