how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
