Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
