but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
There's always time for handjobs
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
