GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
