im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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