Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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