you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
