It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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