he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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