i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
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Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
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I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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